My lifetime has barely stretched over the boundary of three decades, and only falls into a fourth by a year. Somehow, in that short amount of time, I've accumulated enough knowledge of myself and of the world around me to understand who I am more than I ever really thought that I would be able to. At times, I feel I've experienced enough in my short time to have filled an entire lifetime, and yet, somehow I just haven't experienced enough. I've also made enough bad decisions and accumulated enough regret to fill my lifetime several times over. While I'm trying to rectify a lot of those bad decisions, I know that they are, in fact, the decisions I have made and the decisions I must live with forever. Occasionally, I do make good decisions, and the one which I have made as far as the direction in which I want to take my life and my career feels like one of those. While it will never have the ability to cancel out all of the bad decisions I've made, it is one that I believe I'll be proud to live with for the rest of my life.
In the past week or two, I've been thinking a lot about my decisions, and what they really mean as far as the direction my life has gone thus far. What I've realized is that many of my decisions have resulted in burnt bridges, broken trust, injured feelings, occasionally legal issues and economic stress. In addition to these, however, they've also resulted at times in new friendships, love found, career successes, and ultimately, in a man that now has enough respect and confidence in himself to know which direction he wants his life to go in. It took me a lot of years of making the wrong decisions (and a few right ones) to develop into the person I am today. I am proud of the man I've become, and have come to the realization that I am a result of my decisions. I may not always be proud of each and every one of those decisions, but I am proud of the fact that I have the tenacity to work past them, the integrity to face them and admit to them, and the common sense to never repeat them. All of these are simply byproducts of choosing my direction at forks in the road.
There are other byproducts that have come about as well, one of which is a long, drawn-out list of things that I guess I need to face and live up to, and that I hope will come to pass in time. In order to make this writing slightly shorter than an encyclopedia, I've abbreviated this list and hopefully have not eliminated anything in the process that needs to be said...
-In time...I hope that the bridges I have burnt may be rebuilt.
-In time...I hope that the friends I've alienated can forgive me and find it in their hearts to still call me a friend.
-In time... I hope that I have the ability to make myself valuable enough in my career that I will never again be seen as expendable.
-In time...I hope that I may succeed at living up to my name and finally making myself into someone my family can be proud of.
-In time...I hope that I may forgive myself for the decisions I've made in my past so that I may make my own future as bright as possible.
-In time...I hope that my family and friends accept the career move which I am about to make. It is indeed time for me to make a decision that I can be proud of. While they may doubt the decision, I hope that they do not doubt the reasons for it.
(While this seems to be a short list, I think it covers a lot of ground. Hopefully, I haven't left anything unsaid that needs to be said. If I have, my sincerest apologies belong to each and every one of you.)
One of my closest friends often gives me three simple words whenever I need a little encouragement, "Everything is temporary". These three words seem to make a lot of sense to me, especially now. The actual consequences of the decisions I've made in my life have been temporary, as shall the consequences of the decision I am making now, and the consequences of all of those that follow shall also be temporary. The only thing that I've found to be truly permanent is the mental scars that these decisions may leave behind, and for me, the only way to eliminate those scars is by covering them with the new skin of the good decisions I have yet to make in life. Hopefully this one covers a few! And with that, in a few short months, I'll be off to wherever my decisions may lead me, so, if I don't post anything new on here for a while, it's because I'm sort of busy in the process of getting my affairs in order and making sure I don't leave loose ends behind that need to be tied up later!
Sorry for making this post a little in-depth and a little sappier than anything else I've written about on here so far. I guess I needed a medium in which to not only apologize, but also in which to explain my actions.
Thanks for reading. Take Care,
-M
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